What If?

That's one of the biggest and most common question we ask ourselves as people on a daily basis. "What if I did this" "What if I said that" etcetera. Sometimes we entertain these questions by thinking up hypothetical situations and sometimes that's enough. Other times we find ourselves testing out these what ifs and seeing if they work.

I wish I was the latter of the two, but more often than not, I am he former. I would rather play things safe than take a risk and potentially be disappointed. But i want to change that way of thinking. I'm disappointed anyway because I create these grand hypotheticals, but none of it is real or even has the potential to be real because it's all in my head. I want to have the courage to take one of those what ifs and give it a shot.

It's something that I've done on occasion, but it's always been things within my comfort zone. Things like "What if I wrote a book?' or "What if I started a blog for big questions and personal essays?" Those are perfectly acceptable things, as well.

But there are bigger what ifs on my mind. Especially the one that has plagued my mind for years and I'm now realizing that if I never try it, I will live with regret at having never pursued something that I've dreamed of for so long.

What if I got into acting?

I know it's a question that a lot of people think about, but I feel like a lot of people don't think about the right parts of being an actor. They think about the premiers, the behind the scenes moments, all the good that can come with being an actor. They don't think about how long it can take to build a career. Or how, in the words of my high school theatre teacher, for every 10 or 20 auditions you'll probably only get one yes. People forget about how hard acting can be. It's a lot of having to reveal the deepest, most buried parts of yourself to a bunch of strangers and then thanking them for their time and leaving. Going weeks without work and having to do minimum wage jobs in those in betweens. That's what I fond continues to hold be back from truly entertaining that what if. There are times when I've gotten close- when I've looked at websites advertising auditions, but I find myself a reason to talk myself out of it. Whether it be time or transportation or even just the possibility of them saying no.

It's a complex thing, the acting industry. Actors are expected to bring out the most raw parts of themselves and go home and hope for the best or shoot that take 26 times where they're just getting throttled and make it look like it's the first one every single time. It's those smaller detail hat i find myself focusing on in order to disprove my own what ifs. I don't want to do that anymore. Or at least not as much.

Because I don't want to be at the end of my life and still left to wonder what my life would have been like if I had done just one thing differently. I don't want to live and die with regrets and this may sound like something made for New Year's, but it's July and I have to acknowledge these parts of myself if I want to grow as a person. So I figured, if I'm not brave enough to actually try to get into acting, the least I can do is admit it.

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